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measure of knowing yourself is important. "I mean, what makes you feel good?" she asked. "at's important to know when facing tough emotions. I'm a big animal person, so my dogs make me feel better. ings you like can provide a sense of well- being. For some, it may be exercise or being creative. A good thing about support groups is someone may recognize your enjoyment of gardening and encourage you in it. Sometimes we shut down and won't allow ourselves to do what revives us." Allen and Chidester said you must also give yourself permission to have bad days. It's OK – and you're not the only one who does. What about so-called stages of grief? ere are many versions of grief 's stages, but common ones include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Chidester and Allen said recognizing these can be useful – but there are pitfalls. Allen stressed the stages are cyclical, not linear, and going through it once doesn't mean you'll never face a version of it again. "ey're helpful," Chidester said. "But it's a process. You don't get certified after completing one because we're people, not machines, and we feel things again and again. ere's no absolute right or wrong way to get through them. You don't just fix grief through steps, but you do heal. I hope everyone hears that. You can heal and see brighter days." How can I help others? Chidester said much of what she needed and learned in helping others is represented in a drawing she uses. It's a cartoonish personification of a heart. It's a big, full-page heart with big ears – but it has no mouth. "What people experiencing grief usually need most is someone who cares and will just be with them and hear them," she said. Chidester said it's natural to want to help those grieving not feel bad, but that's not always the answer. Grief and healing aren't comfortable things. "And it's natural to feel bad yourself because you don't think you have the right words or perfect answer," she said. "But there rarely are right words or perfect answers. It's wrong to think our responsibility is to make everything all better or for them not to cry – to make things 'nice.' Letting someone be a hot mess and cry it out may be just the healing that's needed. "at pat on the back indicating, 'ere, there, everything will be alright,' may shut things down when the person knows things aren't OK. ey need to know they have a friend and aren't alone. Listening without judging their grief can be so important. If you listen, they'll probably tell you what they need." And what about COVID-19? Allen said what's already been discussed about grief – losing jobs, income, security and health – applies, but in many cases is intensified by the COVID-19 pandemic. Chidester said helping is harder to accomplish. "What do you do when people need a hug but hugging isn't allowed?" she asked. "Or when your support group can't meet? ere have been attempts at virtual, online support groups and counseling and that's good, but it's not the same." Practically, Chidester has arranged for some of her groups to meet GRIEF COMES IN WAVES. SOMETIMES LIGHT, SOMETIMES CRASHING AND OVERWHELMING." -KARLA CHIDESTER " DECEMBER/JANUARY 2021 | maconmagazine.com 69