Macon Magazine

K ARLA CHIDESTER called the pain "excruciating" – it's the only word she could find. Chidester knows grief, having spent 30 years on her own grief journey while helping others through theirs. Asked where she hurts, she replied, "all over. But mainly my heart." Happening in her mid-20s, the pain's cause was clear: Chidester lost her 2-day-old son, Mickey Stewart, in 1990 as result of a birth defect, a diaphragmatic hernia. "It was devastating, so horrible a loss," she said. "It was the loss of my first child, our wanted and much planned and longed for child, with all the hopes and dreams of who he might be, all the moments we would share, all the firsts, all the challenges and all the victories we'd have together. Now, they were gone, never to be, and all I had were empty arms and a hurting heart. My then-husband and I just hurt so badly." rough Chidester's own experience, and experiences she's shared with others, lessons have been learned. Alongside Ashley Allen, a licensed clinical social worker and director of Macon-Bibb County services at River Edge Behavioral Health, the two share a selection of their thoughts during this, a moment of surging personal and societal griefs. What is grief? Put most simply, Allen said grief is the emotional response to loss. But she and Chidester agree that loss, grief and their subsequent emotions aren't simple and are unique person-to-person. Still, some aspects are shared. "Grief comes in waves," Chidester said. "Sometimes light, sometimes crashing and overwhelming. ere are definitions, but the grief you go through is your own and the emotions when you wake up in the middle of the night don't feel like something you can define." What kind of loss causes grief? For Chidester, it was the loss of a child and later the horrific loss of a sibling. "Commonly, people think of death as the cause, and the death of a child can seem the worst," she said. "But what about the spouse of 55 years, the life-long love? So devastating. You can't weigh one person's loss against another's. Your loss is your loss. You can't judge." Chidester and Allen said loss in relationships other than family can range from the death of a close friend to when someone moves away. e list carries on to divorce and other broken relationships. ere's also the loss of a home, a job, career, income or a business. ere can be a lost sense of security following a burglary, rape or societal upheaval. ere can be grief from the loss of a pet. e list goes on. "Everyone experiences loss," Allen said. "It's part of our human experience." What's the best way to deal with grief? ere's no magic pill to resolve grief, Chidester said, and Allen said answers can be different for each person. For Chidester, the answer included working through grief surrounded by others. She reached out – but many don't. Maybe they hurt too much, wrongly think their grief is unique or guilt leads them to believe they must face it alone. Within months, Chidester began attending local meetings of Compassionate Friends, an international organization helping people deal with the loss of a child, grandchild, siblings, parents and similar. She said the connection was a godsend and threw herself into sharing her grief with others and finding and giving comfort and support. She was helped. By 2012, 22 years after Mickey's death, she became and remains a leader of the Middle Georgia chapter. By 2018, spurred by the loss of her brother, she became a leader of Grief Share groups, church-hosted groups geared to a wider scope of loss. She also became a certified grief recovery specialist using the Grief Recovery Method and began providing support services through groups and one-on-one using the business name Hope Again After Loss LLC. Allen agreed the support of others is crucial and said that when needed, professional counseling shouldn't be shunned. "It's wise to connect and use your support system, your family, friends or others to help you deal with loss," she said. "Just talking to someone can be so helpful and support groups very useful. You might not even speak directly about grief or loss but just connecting helps. However, there are times emotions get to be so much that professional counseling is in order and there shouldn't be any stigma to it. We don't mind going to a doctor when we're not feeling well. We shouldn't avoid getting help when our brain, our emotions, are sick with grief." Are there practical bits of help? While reiterating reaching out and saying that's why there are funerals, family gatherings and other cultural supports, Allen said a KARLA CHIDESTER AT THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS' REMEMBRANCE GARDEN AT NORTH PEACH PARK IN BYRON 68 maconmagazine.com | DECEMBER/JANUARY 2021

• Cover