Issue link: http://maconmagazine.uberflip.com/i/1458429
Dr. Shannon Terrell Gordon leads Macon's River Edge Behavioral Health and River Edge Foundation. Shannon is a researcher, author, speaker and teacher to help each person live his or her best life and to help leaders make the most meaningful impact possible. Follow her on Instagram with #drshannonsays. Contact her at sgordon@river-edge.org. T his edition of Macon Magazine features local weddings with beautiful couples, lavish attire and lovely venues. The Centers for Disease Control reports, however, that for every 6.1 per 1,000 people who were married, 44 percent divorced in 2019. Ouch! Are there known strategies to help relationships that begin beautifully go the distance? There are! Let's be clear: Perfect relationships do not exist. Conflicts will happen. Research proves that the way people in a relationship approach imperfections and conflicts determines whether a relationship will be mutually satisfying and lasting or will die over time. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have researched relationships for more than 30 years. Their research identifies communication styles that predict the end of a relationship, and the Gottmans use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as a metaphor to describe these styles. Thankfully, the Gottmans' decades of research also identify proven antidotes for the perilous styles. Lean in close to benefit from their learnings. And if you want that post-wedding wonderful, no matter what the past has been like, from here on, do your part to notice the first signs of any of the Four Horsemen galloping into your interactions. Learn and practice the antidote skills. The more you can use the antidotes, the more likely you will have a stable, happy relationship. Here's to wonderful for you! CRITICISM I criticize the person for his or her character, not the behavior or event. "You don't care," or, "You are selfish and don't do anything around here." INSTEAD, ASK I ask myself, "What do I feel? What do I need?" I gently state my feelings, then my need. I ask for what I need. "I feel frustrated when I'm working and you are watching TV. I really need your help. Will you help me, please?" CONTEMPT I dismiss, belittle, insult, attack or abuse from a position of perceived superiority. "You never unload the dishwasher." "You are so lazy about chores," or, "You're tired? Cry me a river! I have done x, y and z!" Tip: Communicating with contempt is the number one predictor of divorce. CULTIVATE APPRECIATION I choose to focus on my partner's positive qualities and to feel grateful for positive actions. I speak those things to my partner. I notice small successes often. "Thank you for being so faithful about going to work every day." "I really like how you can talk so easily to people." Make respectful requests punctuated by appreciation. "I know you've been really busy lately. However, it would really help if you would unload the dishwasher tomorrow. I would really appreciate it." Tip: It takes five positive interactions for every one negative interaction to keep a positive balance in the emotional bank of the relationship! DEFENSIVENESS I perceive attack, so I either get righteously indignant or take the victim stance and get defensive. In essence, either form of defensiveness blames my partner. "The problem isn't me. It's you." Tip: Anger, defensiveness or blame are never helpful in building a relationship. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY I validate that my partner has his or her perspective. I own and apologize when I do something wrong. I own my part of any conflict and seek compromise. "I know being punctual is important to you. I will work to be ready 10 minutes earlier next time." STONEWALLING I withdraw to avoid conflict. I convey separation, disapproval or distance. This typically happens when I feel overwhelmed or emotionally flooded. "I'm not talking about this anymore! I just can't talk to you; you don't listen! This conversation is over!" SELF-SOOTHING I will take a break of at least 20 minutes. I will do something to soothe or distract myself. This will help my nervous system and my emotions settle down. Then, we can come back together in a more respectful, rational way to seek resolution. "I need to take a break to calm down and think about how I can communicate more effectively. I want us to be able to talk about this respectfully and reach a win-win compromise." SHANNON SAYS POST-WEDDING WONDERFUL IS POSSIBLE BY DR. SHANNON TERRELL GORDON APOCALYPTIC COMMUNICATION STYLES & HEALTHY COMMUNICATION ANTIDOTES 40 maconmagazine.com | FEBRUARY/MARCH 2022